I hate myself for loving you.....how true

Part of me wishes I'd never met you. Sometimes. People always say it will hurt less the next time, but that's just a lie, at least for me. How can I be so stupid? You say you love me (as a friend), that I'm such a wonderful person, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. It's just noise. There's definitely something fundamentally wrong with you. You say there's no chemistry between us. Love is not fireworks and music playing every time you see someone. It's not the Hollywood ideal at all. Love is being there for each other when times are hard, seeing someone at their worst and still wanting to be near them, caring, laughing, being silly, being best friends, wanting what is best for someone even if it's not what's best for you. We have that. Why do you get mad when someone tries to set me up on a date? Why do you get pissed off when I talk to a guy I dated 7 years ago? Why, why why?!?! If you don't want to be with me, then you have to let me be with someone who does. You say you're my best friend. If that's true, then you should want me to find the perfect person. The person who does want to be with me. The person who loves me no matter what. A best friend would tell me that you're just using me as a companion and that I deserve better. A best friend would want to kick your ass for allowing me to feel the way I do. For being selfish enough to say you don't want me, but then get angry if someone else does. All these mixed signals and gray areas have really taken me to dark place. A place I thought I had escaped when I met you. I thought God brought us together for a reason. I trusted you with my heart, with the darkest secrets in my soul, with everything I had, and you have destroyed me. I know this doesn't sound fair or rational. It's how I feel. I know I haven't done anything wrong, other than be a fool. All I want is for you to be happy. If I don't make you happy, then why do you keep me around? Why don't you just let me go? I could understand better if we'd only ever been friends, but it's as if we've had a relationship in reverse. The end result is ultimately the same though. I get hurt. It's not fair. You should be hurting as much as me. We've been inseparable for over a year and for what? If you just wanted a friend, you should have said that then. I may have liked you, but I would've gotten over it. Instead, you let me go on thinking that one day maybe something might grow from it. You call me your girlfriend to your co-workers, "because it's easier than explaining". Your family calls me your girlfriend. Your friends call me your girlfriend. Everyone says we're such a great couple. Everyone sees it, but YOU. This sucks, because we're not a couple, and we haven't had a fight and "broken up". A break-up is one thing. I could cry and ignore your phone calls and go get drunk with my friends. This isn't like that though. You're the friend whose shoulder I want to cry on. Who do I turn to? And if we don't "break up", what becomes of us? My feelings aren't going to go away. They're real and raw and ever present. I don't know if I can just be your friend. The thought of seeing you with someone else breaks me. I'll never be able to put all of myself into a relationship with someone else as long as you're around either, because I'll always wonder 'what if'. I'll wonder if I'd just waited a little longer, maybe you were starting to realize you wanted to be with me. And 'is he going to get mad' and any number of other things, because that's how my twisted mind works. I feel like I can't let you go, but I so desperately need to. I wish you would just end it. One way or another. Put me out of my misery please. I've really never hated myself more.